Doctor Yaya

Man and Fire: the Ancient Connection

What is it about men and fire? I asked this question two weeks ago, when the temperature hovered just above freezing and our Easter eggs nearly froze before they could be plunked into their baskets. Friends were coming for dinner, and it seemed like a good opportunity for one last fire in the fireplace. I pride myself on my Girl Scout-trained ability to stack the logs for proper oxygenation to get it started yet keep it burning long, with modest warmth and gently leaping flames.

FIRE-STARTERS

But no. When the Y chromosomes arrived, consisting of one tall 40-something and his 5-year-old chip off the old block, all hell broke loose. Let the conflagration begin! Seldom-touched fireplace tools were wielded, logs were rearranged and stacked with surgical precision, while both men danced about with a primeval, savage gleam in their eyes.

Soon we were sweating in the blast-furnace heat, inspiring young Tynan to fling off his clothes in some dimly remembered ancient pagan ritual. That, in turn, inspired his father, Steve, to join him as, shirts off, they expressed their most manly caveman solidarity, above (while the women howled with laughter). You could have roasted a whole pig in that fire.
 
MANNING THE GRILL

Which brings me to the opposite expression of April’s cruelty: the record-setting 92-degree heat just a few days later. And that could mean only one thing: grilling on the terrace. Dare I invite my fire-starters again, I wondered? I had just seen a study (OK, so it was funded by the beef people, but whatever). It asked participants to keep grilling diaries and asked them about their “sensory responses” to grilling food. Guess what they found? “Many people have such a strong response to both the smells and practice of barbecuing outdoors that it stirs actual emotions—especially feelings of connections to family, nature and joyous childhood memories.” Sure, but I think it goes even further back, into that ancient caveman part of our brains.

A bit of a grill novice, I had called my rocket-scientist brother for advice on my techniques. In typical fire-guy fashion, he gave me his full 30-minute lecture on the Zen of high-heat searing, crafting the perfect 90-degree angles on the grill marks and learning to “feel” when the ideal level of medium-rareness has been achieved. He waxed nearly poetic on the subject. His advice was good, as I found in my practice sessions. So I felt confident to “man” the grill, as it were, when Steve and Ty, et al arrived. But it was not to be. A fire dude cannot allow a female of the species to place the mastodon onto the bonfire. So I conceded the tongs.

While the steaks and shrimp were excellent, this time there was no naked dancing—probably due to the lack of actual flames. New York co-op buildings prohibit gas and charcoal. So while it sears like a sonofabitch, my Weber, alas, is electric. Also, the Yankees-Red Sox game was on.

 

Till next time...

Stupid Products, Part 1

Just in time for Earth Day, when, presumably, good sense and earth-friendliness prevail, here are a few products we can all live without.

BLING FOR YOUR BOTTLE?

In case you can’t remember if that plastic water bottle is yours or someone else's, now you can purchase jewelry to wrap around the bottle neck to identify it as yours truly's! Yes, you can personalize that landfill-bait with a chrome or gold-colored spring-loaded ring with fleur-de-lis, butterfly, pink ribbon or cross charms studded with sparkly stones in “a variety of blinged-out colors.”

Yes, and after you guzzle your six slugs of water, forgetting that your ring of charms is there, and fling it into the trash can, your AquaBling and the toxic plastic it rode in on will remain in a landfill with billions of other bottles for the next few hundred years, until Wall-E comes along to discover it.

The better choice? A reusable stainless steel water bottle (in a color or style you can identify as yours at all times) that you refill with your filtered tap water. Cheaper, easier, healthier for you and the planet—and no bling needed.

WOULD SPOCK APPROVE?

Have you ever burned your ear while using a curling iron? Me neither. But in case this is a worry, you can just strap on some Ear Cuffies, cotton and polyester fake ears that strap on over your own to protect them from that hot iron.

Can you imagine actually doing this? First you'd have to find them in the bathroom drawer. Then your dog would definitely look at you funny, not to mention the jeers from your loved ones. But you could use them on Halloween as mouse ears, or cut them into little points to wear to the highly anticipated new Star Trek movie, coming soon to a theater (n)ear you.

HELLO? HELLOOO!

Remember the scene in the 1987 movie Wall Street where Michael Douglas as ruthless mogul Gordon Gekko proudly wields his brick-sized cell phone while walking on the beach? The technology was still clunky, but boy, did we ever think it was cool! Now, of course, cellphones are tiny, with multiple hands-free options that also protect the head from potentially dangerous radiation. So who could imagine the need for a clunky, retro “real” handset to plug into your cellphone “for hours of comfortable conversation?”

Yubz plug into any mobile phone for some “old school” pontificating!

Excuse me? I saw a version of this at the Museum of Modern Art Shop in Soho recently, too. If anyone can explain the appeal, please do tell! But for now, I’m taking comfort on this Earth Day in knowing that I don't need to buy one more thing that's ultimately headed for the landfill.